If I had wrote this a few months back it would’ve been a hard subject to write on. My thoughts were confused and muddled. The man I’ve looked up to my lifetime, and than realized was as flawed as any, never treats me as anything more than his youngest son and I’m to still honor him? I don’t know if I could’ve done that.
My father made a comment to me not too long ago about how his Pastor told him “he looked to him as a father” or something like that. My Dad told me “that was the most awe inspiring thing anyone had ever said to him” or something like that. My first reaction was too bad your own children don’t feel that way, but later those words, although unspoken, began to burn and twist inside me.
I was 8 years old when his father passed away and so most of my memories of Grandpa are pictures painted in my mind over the years from different family member’s recollections. What I would surmise is Grandpa was a VERY hard working man, loving, honorable, trustworthy, kind and understanding. I think he was tough but bendable and I think he truly loved and was loved by his family.
If I’d written this a few months back I would’ve railed that my Dad was never there. Gone in the morning before we got up, and home late at night (during tax season) after we’d gone to bed. I would’ve unfairly said ours was a single income mixed family of 6 and we were mostly raised by my mother with financial backing from her parents.
I would’ve written, “You’ll learn by your mistakes” was the common response or attempt at parenting. I would’ve said, I vow to be upfront and honest with my kids so they have some ammunition to take into those critical situations, instead of cleaning up the mess afterwards with a “well, you’ll learn from your mistakes.”
If I would’ve written this a few months back I would’ve remembered way too vividly friends and colleagues saying, “didn’t your Dad ever teach you… how to shave, how to wipe your butt, how to tie a tie, etc.” I would’ve remembered a boss telling me I was a “great young man with absolutely no sense of direction.” Amazed I was raised by both my parents in my life. He told me I was living in a “Brady Bunch world” and needed to get into reality. I was 31 at the time.
Well, it’s been about 13+ years since that conversation and as I formed a not so flattering image of my father and his parenting skills during that time, I could’ve said my fragile ego had taken a beating from him. But there… that’s just it, isn’t it? Ego, pride, selfishness, I,I,I,I,I.
A few months ago I found Jesus again after a long winding dirt road away from him. Problems I was having at work, at home, in my relationships with family and friends I’m beginning to realize all centered around those evil things that had consumed me; pride, selfishness, ego you name it, I had it (still have it although I’m trying to beat them). I wore them like a shell keeping people from my real self, spewing self pity and hate, cutting people off with a false sense of self assurance all the while masking the true ignorance that lived inside me.
It was a sermon just those few months back where Pastor Ed Jenewein said the words that “clicked” in my head and I felt like a HUGE weight had been lifted. I forgave someone on that day and the feeling was literally like a slow “whoooosh” that started at my toes and rose through me and out my head and raised hands. Those weights had held me down for get this, 13+ years, sound familiar? A theme maybe?
13 some odd years ago I went through a divorce that left me devastated. I was emotionally and financially bankrupt, bitter and contempt. I blamed the breakup of my little family on my ex-wife, her actions and morals (or lack there of). I blamed my parents for not equipping me with “real world” knowledge that may have protected me from the blow I took. I, I, I, I, I. This was the time my boss made the statement of having no direction. This was the time I tried to become a CHP and when they asked about the “real” reasons I would not be accepted (alcohol, drug abuse, lying and stealing) I blamed my ex-wife and naivety. “Naivety? From 20-30 you were naïve?” “Yes, my parents sheltered me and I didn’t grow up until recently.”
Well, I told myself and anyone who cared to listen those lies for so long that I began to believe them. I have always said (judgmentally) if there is one common denominator to all the bad things happening to you and around you, maybe it’s time to look at the common denominator. I never took my own advice, I never looked in the mirror.
13 years of bitterness, self-pity, arrogance, pride all gone in a “whooooosh!” And so, my WALK began, slowly and still seeking more, but it was on! And while I’ve never been alone, for the first time in my life I realized GOD was right beside me, all along, and for my entire life. How could’ve I wasted so much precious time? If I ever want an example of God standing beside me and working his plan even when I didn’t care to believe, I just need to look back at these past 13 years.
How else could Tina ever have come into my life (and stayed through this all) if God wasn’t working his plan for me? I was older, divorced, with a child and making nothing. I was bitter and contempt, selfish and hoarding. She was young and single with no attachments. Beautiful and vibrant and teaching me how to deal with people. How to take the steam out of an argument, how to talk to people, how to respect people, how to love. It’s taken me 13 years to come to this realization and the fact that she is still beside me is a holy testament to the Grace of God.
13 years ago I was naïve, through no ones fault but my own. But it was at that time that I did finally try to be a man. To step up and own up to my responsibilities. I struggled to find myself and separate myself from my father. I listened to all the tripe and instead of defending the man who gave me life; I allowed the words to infect me, to creep over me and cast this ugly shadow that fed my ego and eased my own personal demons.
Now fast forward to the past few weeks, Tina and I have been taking a “Parenting” class through our church (Growing kids God’s way) and one of our lessons was to teach our children how to honor and respect their parents and elders. One of my reasons for going to church with Tina at all (initially) was to show a good example to my son, Aric. I had left that up to the Christian schools for my daughter Mandy that we sent her to. The problem with that however is I gave her the power to set the example or get it from others rather than directly from her Father, the coward who was me.
It dawned on me that if I want my kids to honor and respect me I have to model that behavior with my own parents (duh!!!). Just like my reasons for going to church, I need to take the lead and set the example. For Mandy, unfortunately she has grown up during this tumultuous 13 year period and so alot of her opinion of me and Grandpa will have come from that. While I’m not giving up (never give up) I think I’ll have more success with Aric.
And so each day now I try and let God’s LOVE rain over me and wash away not only my sins but my hardness, my ego, my arrogance and most importantly my selfishness. Humble is the word I long to be referred to as, I aspire to. Which brings me full circle back to my Father. Maybe it’s still too soon or too raw, the feelings, maybe I should change my perspective as I critique him and what he means to me. If I was pretty much an “outsider looking in” in my evaluation of my Grandfather, how would my Dad look through those same glasses?
Let’s see, he supported a wife and six kids on one income and a side job of taxes during their season. He was always singing and whistling and squeezing Momma when he had the chance. He gave of his spare time to be President of my Little League for years. He never missed one of my junior high basketball games even though they were played during his work hours (still don’t know how he managed that). He was firm but fair and us kids had a healthy fear of him when we did wrong. He put up money when he could but more importantly he put his sweat into things that were important to me; painting, cars, practically rebuilding the entire mobile home I lived in with my ex. I could go on and I’m probably missing many other important items, but you get the picture.
I guess the outsider would describe him as follows… “What I would surmise is Al is a VERY hard working man, loving, honorable, trustworthy, kind and understanding. I think he is tough but bendable and I think he truly loves and is loved by his family.”
Hmmm, sounds like he’s just like his father before him and someone I can aspire to emulate. Sounds like someone who should be honored and respected. Sounds like I woke up just in time!
In my Ferguson research I had tracked and purchased a certified copy of George Russell’s wedding certificate. On it were two new names that I never had; his father George W. Ferguson and his mother, Harriet Jeffries. My mind raced and new possibilities opened. I found Harriet (widow of George W.) living with her son George Russell in an 